Forget the Horror Here

Some day I'll feel better, and everything will be alright. This is future dust.

I promise that when I feel 100% I will help as many people as I can. I love every person on this planet no matter how wicked, and even though I still feel so useless and embarrassed and ashamed and so fucking stupid, I promise that one day I will help people.

Today you are you,

That is truer than true.

There is no one alive

Who is youer than you.

Dr. Seuss

In-between

Sometimes I can imagine the smell of warm rain in the summer - what it feels like to listen to the patter on the leaves. I wish I could experience that again. I wish I could feel whole and alert and real. I want to be in tune with my senses. I'm tired of living in fear of what it means to be alive, to have a brain, to be composed of many little bits of matter. I wish I could listen to music again. I wish I could put on an album, shut my eyes and create a wild and vivid story to go along with it. I'm tired of going in circles. I want to be free.

Dying is Safe

it's fine that we have bones
it doesn't mean that we're alone
like waves who live to crash
when we die we will be home

Heart of Chambers

Everyone likes your friend more than you, but you don't seem to mind. Side by side, all eyes on her. Her hair is blonder, eyes are bigger and smile is wider, but you both look happy. You're happy with your place in life. Or so I thought. You were explaining curse words to foreigners, and everyone was laughing, and as a final disclaimer so they knew you weren't normally this vulgar, you said, "I've never even had sex before." Between your closing lips and your friends' disbelief was the exact moment I saw your heart. I saw you in its deepest chamber. I'm sorry you're so alone. I'm sorry that we're alone.

I am so sad. I would give anything to feel whole again.