I can see a light.

Hidden Heart

Recovery is a confusing process, because you don't know what it's supposed to feel like. Anxiety is when you overanalyze every single thought and emotion and assume the worst. Those assumptions, as irrational as they may be, produce fear, and that fear feeds off of itself until you panic. Panic induces a flood of adrenaline and gives you a very tangible feeling of impending doom. It is literally the worst experience I could ever imagine, but it's important to remember that it's harmless and just a feeling. It feels exactly the same every time and recognizing this is what gets you through it. Your body, in response to this false state of emergency, distances "you" from the situation so that it can handle whatever life-threatening dangers it perceives as present. It processes information incorrectly and goes into fight or flight mode when it doesn't need to. Once this happens, it confuses you until you understand it. You feel like you're watching yourself or that you're in a dream. Most of the time I felt like I was vanishing. That's the best way I can describe it. I felt like I was disappearing into thin air. This takes a long time to recover from, because it's the result of a chemical imbalance maintained by fear and anxiety. You must overcome anxiety before you feel whole again.

I am still hopeful, but I am lonely. I want to let someone in. I wish there was someone in my life who could show me where my heart is hidden.

If there is no love that does not become help, God doesn't love me.

My Heart Is Forever Collapsing

I am still breathing, but it's hard when I feel like my chest will explode. There's beauty and life in the drum of a beating heart, but mine sings a war song. My body is an adrenaline mill. My sympathetic nervous system never sleeps. My hands don't stop shaking, my legs are stuck in a nervous loop, and my head feels like it's cracking open.

I am still thinking, and I'm afraid I'll never stop. I'm beset with negativity. My amygdala feeds me fear as if I were its child. Any frightful thought you can conjure will seem real and immediate to me if I can't recognize its irrationality first. I'm living in the wake of a soul-sucking vortex.

This is my panic, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst of enemies.

It Can Work For You

I know it's not what you wanted, but you had to settle for something. You had to make some sense out of your life. But does it really make sense? Is this God's big plan for you? Don't think like that. It has to be. It has to be or he isn't real, and you're too scared to face that.

Please don't leave me things that feel good.

Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell.

Emily Dickinson